Friday, March 17, 2006

A Winner has Been Chosen!

In a stunning turn of events, ABCN's Capitol Building Redesign Development Corp, has won the ABCN's Capitol Building Redesgin Development Corp Competion! The 6 year vetting process turned out to a big waste of time for world renown achitects including Piano, Ghery and Spears who stormed out of the awards ceremony earlier this morning.

Ignoring any public input or democratic process, ABCN is jetting down to Washington DC this evening to break ground. Pictured here is the winning design proposal. This Iconic elevated slab " reflects the rich tapestry of our national spirit" says an ABCN spokesman who is also competition judge, and primary architect of the winning design. It's purely coincidental that ABCN's own proposal crushed the competion. We will be closing the ABCN's Brooklyn office until after the ribbon cutting ceremony Sunday night.

I feel uplifted by the slab. A surge of nationalistic pride is burning my guts, like the GURD, or gastro intestinal reflux disorder. That stodgy old Capitol building was really getting me down, so this comes just in time. Thank you, ABCN, for showing the world why America is #1. Plus the design is just downright sexy.
Thank you team shredder.
Yes! Nothing says "We rule the world" like the Slab-0-Sex. I'm so pleased it's burning your guts like visual acid reflux! thats exactly what our crack team of designers was going for. America Is #1 and finally we'll bget the capitol building we deserve!
Team Shredder!
I've been working on a painting of you kids surfing. It's going to be in a show in LA in MAY! It's called "Team Shredder; Slapping the Face of God."
Is that the term you kids use when your in the tube? Can't remember...
Wow what an intense design. Congratulations. Will you be entering it in the Talent Show? Is the slab part of your talent?
Corny, wow, even if you are just pulling our leg I am still totally sweetened out that you would even think to paint the Team. When Sea Monkee wakes up and sees this at around 11:00 AM I'm sure she'll be really touched. The quote of Sea Monkey, by the way, from when she caught a real wave for the very first time, was "It was like seeing the face of god!!"
But actually I like your version better.
I just heard from Mrs. The Capt'n that she's doing a little performance/demo at the same show where you'll be go go dancing tonight. How grand would it be if you two got to work the stage together!
Wow, hot about Mrs.The Capt'n working tonights party. Yes I'm suposed to actually go-go dance or something but the threat of that hapening... zero. Anyhow, like I said, the slab and I are off to washington tonight.
MM, the slab is more then a mere tallent, the slab is a life style choice...It's modern living, hard on the outside, gooey on the inside. You're invited in, there's a popcorn machine... you'll like
Only if there's a truckload of coconut oil nearby will I partake in the popcorn. No heatlamps. I did not know there was goo inside a slab, I thought there was just more hardness.
oh no no no. You see the slab is a kind of play crib inside. Over 1/2 of our nations leaders interviewed by the National Association of Slab Builders said they would heal the world if only there was more goo around.
Goo makes the party happen. Goo is gods hot love, it's our job to emerse ourselves in it whenever possible. But don't take my word, you might want to do your own research
I wholeheartedly agree about the goo, I keep a constantly refreshing-itself supply in my closet - container upon container of self-replicating goo, not the evil kind, the good good kind of goo. It is a phenomenon that should be more pervasive.
I am going to put on my white dr's coat and do some research post-haste. I have my pen in pocket and a note pad, a magnifying glass and some latex gloves. I like to take copious notes.
I am going to put on my white dr's coat and do some research post-haste. I have my pen in pocket and a note pad, a magnifying glass and some latex gloves. I like to take copious notes.
MM, you have to put on latex gloves? I live in mine
here are some nice words for you.
That's a beautiful list Corny. Moonlit twit, Unfit nitwit, Gristle Snitcher. Poetry.
Weirdly, this building already exists less than a mile from the Capitol. I can't find a better pic than this one, but the Department of Energy's Forrestal Building is a dead ringer for your slab. See, somewhere deep within your artistic self beats the cold gray heart of a bureaucrat!

P.S. Lucy will force you to go-go dance down here in DC, so look out.
Actually, here's a much better picture.
Thanks Brother-in-Law, that building positively screams INSPIRATION! It reminds me us of The Mounds
lol, know one knows family like family...
Don't close the ABCN office Corns. What will I do until Sunday?
Corns, this friend of yours...does she know Stevie personally? I'd like to present her with a dove...or a scrappy pigeon painted white. If that doesn't woo her, I will break out the bratwurst.
PD! Whats crackalackin?

Friend would like the pigeon painted white, maybe if it it was stuffed with bratwurst?
How about if you paint the bratwurst white and throw it at her?
Ah, good choice Corny. This is actually the way some Polish people celebrate Easter. It is a right of passage for the son to cook the bratwurst over hot coals and then insert in said pigeon. If the pigeon flies away...the teen has become a man. If the pigeon waddles around in circles before falling belly-up...the poor teen has ten more years of acne, braces and virginity.
The bratwurst throwing is a German custom and it happens when a woman wears white on her wedding day when she has already experienced the chicken-finger rapes.
lol right off the chair, Pd, you have encyclopedic knowledge of the customs of the peoples. My bat mitzvah was simillar, I was stuffed with gold Cross pens, tarred and feathered then thrown out the window. It was huger then soup my friend!
PD you are on FIYA. That's fire.
It's the oxy and Jack combo--I tell ya.
For my confirmation, I wore a necklace of sausage and peppers and had to drink enough grappa to cough up my pancreas. Then I was welcomed into the church as a woman. Thank God Almighty! Otherwise, what would I do with all those rights I would have otherwise?
Cross pens, Corny--Hilllllarious! Why did relatives always give those??
Ok, I've got to just say before the lies take over my life, I wasn't really bat Mitzvahed, but i was tarred and feathered or is that a false memory? The cross pen is a sign, like a cross only penier.
Oh Corny, I think I remember you. What a goegeous punim you had on you--even wit the tar. Ach. Your parents made me stand over you clear my throat a few times. It sounded vaguely yiddish and what not. But they just didn't want you to have to memorize anything like baruch ata adonai allohanu mela hallam...oy, even I can't remember.
Before I get started reading through all the comments, I have to observe humbly that this has got to be the most hilarious post that was ever on the internet, or possibly even paper, stone tablet, or cave wall. I tell ye, Corny, I am not worthy.

On a happier note, I seem to recall that after the hugely successful Ridykeulous launch party you plunged into the required-by-law shame spiral, worried that your new publishing venture would something or other etc. All I have to say to you, Corno, is that the fact that you used to be a media mogul doesn't interfere with your art (specially inside the cow, who cares nothing for commerce) it just proves you're great or something I lost my train of though. Thought.
So I went through and faked a ceremony. Oy, it wasn't the first time. Is it so wrong?? I can see you are a special girl.
Is this thing on?
Thees like the playhaus my frens used to take me to where be "play with the brautvurst" and draw architectural designs of play slab wit dual function being playhaus for brautvurst play on inside with goo, and slab on top for sacrifice of the BirHEEN plus vurst chopping! Play fuck kill every one is winner in my buk! Who doesn't love a certificate! Who doesn't want to be Employee of the Month! My name is Klaus.

Or IS it?!!!!
I remember waking up after a drunken night of debauchery with a bratwurst in my panties. I don't know how it got there, but it was there and a smear of mustard was there as well--back to front.
Mean Sheep person--that sounds like a great game. We should propose it to the Olympic Committee, 'cauz I like to kill and fuck too, but never have I gotten anything but trouble for it. Jeez.
Klaus, you veren't zupposed to zay anyting about it. Git back in your cage...schnell!! Schnell!!
Is it safe?
Oooh, Come on Eileen is on the radio right now.
I am overwhelmed, swelling mostly, we're off to washington if I see bush i'll punch him in the kisser for all of us!
I hope the swelling has nothing to do with bratwurst.
Have fun in our nation's capitol. Please take your hunting rifle. Accidents happen all the time you know.
no lie: for my first holy communion I argued with the priest " I'm eleven I haven't done anything yet I need to confess! nose-picking? stealing toys? what do you want from me". Then during a song where we had to make the sign of the cross I kept giving everybody the finger. Maybe I would have been good at a bat mitzvah. You get presents, yes?
Oh my god Kelli I think I love you. Our priest Father Schaumburg used to act hip and give us the peace sign before he disappeared due to child abuse rumors, duh. I remember during catechism class, where I was giving Father S. the finger, Samuel Chastain would drag Marlene into the mop closet and stick her with pins. Naturally the next time I saw him he was a cop.
Hi Seamonkee; Strangely my priest was the only nice guy in my whole yucky parish. A morose, reflective sort who gave a sermon about history of Catholic anti-semitism and took the kids on a field trip to a synagogue run by a rabbi he knew. Often gave sermons tipsy and died of complications from his drinking problem.
Kelli I liked your story I feel like I've met that sad-died of cirrhosis priest or one just like him.
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