Saturday, March 11, 2006

 
L Word 3006

Setting: an iceburg floating on the ocean. Shane & Dana pacing the giant ice cube like captive circus cats: Dana, in hospital gown with ass showing, massive dripping bloodstains from chest where the breasts used to be....

Dana: my phantom limbs are acting up again, i wish there was a baby around to suckel me right now. Can you just work on my tit for a minute shane?

Shane: dana, get your grubby phantom fun bags out of my psychic space, yer lady brests are in a dumpster behind Ceders Sinai being knawed at by maggots, beatles and other fawna and thats a long way from here, compadra

Dana: ever since we’ve been adrift on this giant ice cube all you’ve done is sit around bindging on penguin meat and taking core samples of yourself. And while your Kong sized ass gets bigger & bigger, I ALONE have been tyring to get us off of this floating hell on ice

Shane: It isn’t hell ON ice Dana, it IS ice. And my gluteous maximus has nothing to do with your frustrations. As artistotle said, it is the great muscle that distinguishes man. It is fully developed to hold the pelvis upright, unlike OTHER animals

Dana (crawling on all fours, licking the ice) Whatvever... if you’re not gonna help me and my cancer get a drink, then all your good for is absolutly nothing. (far away, staring at her hand for some reason only Dana gets) Nothing, zero...

Shane (mounting Dana from behind): I love it when you deny your humnity

SEX SCENE.
(strobe light)

INTERUPPTED by Shane exclaiming: Wait...Is that a lump?!“

Dana: UCH! i’ve had cancer for one-thousand two-hundred years, and the LAST thing I need is another blistering sarcoma swelling up on this tumor-addled body

Enter Bette, swimming up to iceburg, she has transformed into half-lesbian, half-Penguin Hugs dana, hands her a fresh bottle

Bette: hola chicas. What’s swelling?
Dana: Hi Bette...

Shane (pointing to dana): another day, another cyst

Bette: I’ve been adrift and having outlandish unsafe sex with penguins. Do you know of any diseases I might’ve contracted? I feel worried all the time... and my new curitorial effort also is about being worried all the time

Shane: I worry about stuff

Dana: Bette, we’re rocketing thru the solar system at the speed of light adrift on a sea of ice...THERE IS NO PROVOCATIONS SHOW, you MORON!

Bette: so anyhow, I had to arrange for the shipping the entire provocations show, including the Sally Mann i bought with my grocery change from the barren coast of a sub-anartic island, And a MIRACLE happened! We got Betty to agree to perform live! We have to get back to the continent! NOW!

Dana, now drunk on mircorbrewed sea kelp: Do penguins really give birth to eggs from the top of their feet?

Shane: WHAT!? Shut up dana before I slash another sarcoma off your anorexic corpse right now! GOD!

Dana, staring into ice reflection: I’m alone. So alone, where did my life go? It’s like listening to a broken mirror...

spotlight

Bette: There are no more masterpieces. Betty is playing at the iceberg nextdoor. Let the theater of cruelty begin. There already have been 43 suicides and the concert hasn’t even begun...


Comments:
WHat about me??
 
I am watching Shane play a transgendered murderer on Law and Order right now.
 
What about you jenny, I think we've all had just about enough of you
 
But I am just figuring things out--I am a lesbian deep down, in my triangular area.
 
Jenny--you are a square!
 
I've had enough of all of you.
 
Kitty, have you seen the tv movie where shane plays the teen-age piano prodidy? She's so diverse, I hope Emmy comes a knocking!
 
Nope, but I imagine she really shows off her acting chops.
 
Hey pole--get back in there--I'm not through with you.
 
I'll take that pole, Ilene.
 
Jenny, have we f*#@*! yet? I can't remember.
 
Ilene, I can't breath in here. please let me out...just a few inches
 
Shove it tina, when does your lump get discovered?
 
I am lumpy all over.
 
Does the L stand for Loser or Labotomy, Ilene?
 
Lumps = ratings. Let the lumpfest begin!
 
L stands for Leperesy.
 
*cough cough
 
Hey Pole, You've got a little smudge on your face
 
Pole, are you alone in there or are there other poles?
 
Corny you have a brilliant skill for prose almost as good as Andrea Dworkin: " the naked exoskeleton of desire, we can almost see the bones of our dead". I'm not even being facetious, it's like Baudelaire without the opium buffer. Is Jenny the half-penguin???
 
Fartknocker, there are others...I am not alone.
 
Okay, now I hear I missed the L WOrd performance at the opening on Friday--now I'm really kicking myself. Was Jenny included??
 
..thank god i got off that damn show when i did. fucking lesbians was bad enough but fucking penguins ?!!
 
Pd, stupid me for not tellin gyou to stick around, I was so excited to meet you forgot to mention the events.
 
Andrea Dworkin hu? Hum. I've never read her. But I'd happily sport an exoskelton of desire peacoat. Maybe with front and back princess seams, double brested? Thats Hot.
I'm interested in reading Baudelaire, Have you read the essence of laughter by any chance? I haven't but would like to...
 
I had a rough dream last night about being naked in chelsea (which was re-located to trump tower). I think I'm feeling some shame about this show... it's kind of a step back in time for me, and I've been fighting so hard for the last 6 years to become a painter... I don't want people to get the wrong idea like I'm moving backwards.
 
whatev, all for the goo...
 
I'd like to read the essence of laughter..if it's funny.
 
Corny, this show is a different kinda thing. YOU ARE A PAINTER, but one who can do so many other things and that's a good thing. You're having a show of your paintings soon and that will be a whole other momentous ocasion with incredible schmearing going on. Why do they like to limit artists out in the world?
 
"Why do they like to limit artists out in the world?"

Because we're extravagantly violent flesh eating wildebeasts who need to be caged?
 
mostly
 
Corny, it IS all goo... you're getting out there, experimenting, being polymorphous. It's exciting. Banish those doubts... say no to the Spiral shitty!
 
SlothY! Did you see the painting by Mr. boadwee on my Flicker page called Spriral Shitty?!?!?!
It's so funny, Mrs. Cub has it up in her office at DIA
 
Corny, that image is burned into my brain forever.
 
f*cking hilarious
 
I loved the play from the iceburg

the sad soul searching monologue staring out into the ocean with the slightly hairy bathing cap on?

who could get enough of that
it was hilardykelious
it added years to my life I'm sure of it
I'm not kidding

I can't wait for the pole in chaiken's ass play from the iceburg
 
i saw that play and i thought it was so so lame
that show is the best show we have, i dont even get yr fucking point
 
The L Word is SO problematic, are you not going to be critical just because it's lesbian? THAT is lame. Still I watch and ENJOY and am CRITICAL
 
Corny please check e-mail- I'm apologizing to you and your lovely missus for being a cheap wierdo with no cell phone. Not cheap like giving people homemade Christmas presents cheap but still. No joking though. I'm really sorry.
 
Corny, I used to watch the L word, but the writing was so bad I couldn't stand it anymore... then we cancelled Showtime. But now you've got me all curious again.

Your performance rocked, it was brilliant and funny; anonymous is a crank.
 
Yeah, sorry crank, I didn't mean to jump down your throat. I just loved our stupid little play. Whatever brings people together in laughter is a good thing. We have to be able to laugh at ourselves. The L word is compleatly RIDYKEULOUS, and one of the original insipations for the zine/show.

Slothy, please don't get sucked in, it's so bad it's really to be avoided. We have friends who work on it and that is a large part of the reason we watch it...that and the hope of a juicy sex scene, but so far they've avoided that.

Kelli, I tried calling the number you gave me and it wasn't working. We did miss you but it's totally fine, perhaps another time?
 
the ability to be self-mocking is a beautiful thing. sacred cows are there to be tipped:

http://www.boomka.org/
 
Dude, my saddest feeling of the current day is living with the knowledge that I was not at your show and play. It sounded brilliant when you esplained it to me the other day, and then when I got the recap from a personal mole I had planted in the audience, oh, it hurt! Why wasn't I there too?
Just thought I'd make this about me...
 
Yup. Thats the stuff. Thanks Slothers, I heard about this project, I love the jews comming up with the most offensive anti-semetic cartoons it difuses the negative power of the jokes, or supthing
 
I used to watch the L word and gave up 'cause it was too Ridykeulous and Jenny really made me want to vomit.
 
Capt'n You didn't miss nutt'n. I was psyched to meet your ethereal lady friend.
She's wonderful
 
YES. What makes her so very hard to take?
 
I mean Jenny...
 
She's whiney and waifish and pouts too much....
 
She has (or had) cliched falshbacks...she is a "tortured writer" and she is a poor victim...
 
UGH! UGH! UGH!
 
Pd, I dont know why we go back week in week out. I watch a lot of garbage on teevee I guess. I should spend more time readign, maybe it would help my speling problems.
 
Yeah, and the hand wringing ... the "big, innocent eyes." Bat, bat. Ugh.
 
I'd like to thet her on fire.
 
Corny, sounds like it's a social thing, plus hey, a Lesbian TV show! I am a sucker for the soap formula myself.
 
BAT BAT BAT. hahahha god, even her eyes are clumsy
 
TV shows I have been addicted to:
GH
Party of 5
Melrose Place
90210
The shame.
 
I always expected her to say something like "I see dead people"

Corny, I stuck with it for two seasons and complained and complained, but I did not turn away until now. It was like a car accident--I could not help but take alook.

Now Marina got out at the right time.
 
lol pd...
 
My tube of shame:

Law and Odor SVH (Sweet Valley High)

Party of 5 (me too SLoth)

Dawson's Crack
 
The Shame? hum

Americas Next Top Model
Prision break
The Dog
The Office
 
Dawsons Crack?!?!??!?!?! NO WAY!!!!!
 
Gad Zooks thats bad!
 
And game shows:

Snatch Game

Family Feud (with Dawson)
 
You guys got to check out this show where a white family is spraypainter black and tryes to pass and black family is spray painted white... it's crazy tv
 
Well Corny--who can pass up Vanderbeek's big dorky head? (and crack?) Oh the shame!
 
I'll get the details from Mrs and post about it this week
 
I'll get the details from Mrs and post about it this week
 
Oh I saw a commercial for that. I thought it was a joke. I mean Soul Man all over again. C. Thomas Howell was ahead of his time.
 
Corny I still want to hang out.I got you, the missus and Miss Andry hostess gifts but will give them to you next time I see you. I really need a cell phone. The time I used a payphone smeared with jelly donut jelly ( I hope) should have told me that. I'm sorry.
:(((
sad emoticon over 30 with double chins
 
currently:

Boston Legal <---this show is like crack for me
House
Commander in Chief
 
I got some logs that need sawing
 
Commander in Chief, YES. I hate to say it but YESYESYES. Got, it's so fricken
hilLARYous
 
yup, me too. g'night corns.
 
I love how in every episode they show the white house pantry. Lady stuff...
 
the Office is classy. I used to watch Girlfriends because it was like a grumpy, dirtier African American version of Sex and the City. Should I admit this in public?
 
My idea for a reality show:

"Stink" 10 people live in a NYC studio apartment without any water, or personal hygiene products. Each week someone is voted the Skankiest and must go...the last one to survive his or her own stench.....
 
Geez, I didn't know about that show kelli but it sounds like I missed some e-class TV.
night.
 
...gets a gift certificate to Bliss.
 
pd, I am laughing in my sleep. a noodle slips out my nose...
 
Goodnighty night Slothy. Watch out you don't choke on the noodles.
 
night everybody
 
Good night all.
 
Of course I'm just now getting home, when everyone back east is asleep.
Don't tell me nobody there admits to watching The O.C.
 
Where did you find it? Interesting read »
 
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